The Devil on My Shoulder

One of the biggest motivations for me making my big life change is that Deuteronomy has just not thrived in daycare the way I had hoped. He's not doing poorly, to be sure, and I'm not really even sure what "thriving" would be--he's not developmentally delayed, he's hitting milestones on target, but I just feel like he's not really reaching his potential for what he COULD be doing.

I know his day care teachers love him; they are certainly affectionate with him and he is all smiles for them. But there are 4 babies under 16-months old per teacher and there are only so many hours in the day. He is not getting the one-on-one attention that Sunshine got, and I feel like he deserves more...and that I should be the one giving it to him.

Also, he seems to get sick quicker and easier than Sunshine ever did...every bug and germ that passes through the day care center knocks him on his little ass for a few days at a time. He has been in the hospital three times in his short life--once he was admitted for 4 days with difficulty breathing, low oxygen levels, and a still-undiagnosed virus. While there are certainly families who have kids with worse health issues, I know that if he weren't being exposed to all the germs that spread in day care, he wouldn't be sick so often.

Last weekend, we were at a party with some friends and co-workers, and I was talking to a colleague--another Mom--who was asking me about my upcoming work arrangements. She asked how Deuteronomy's health had been lately, and I responded that he had actually not been to the doctor for anything other than a well-child visit in almost 6 weeks. (I said this semi-sarcastically, as I don't really consider it to be all that great an achievement.) She asked me then if I would consider not going down to part-time if his health improved before January, as it may impact my advancement opportunities to be only a part-time employee.

I had a sudden moment of fear and doubt. And I also felt judged and inadequate. I want to do my job well. I don't want to be seen as a slacker who doesn't work hard. Was I making a bad choice? Really, Deuteronomy had been healthy for a while now...

Thankfully, at that very moment, my son yelled "Mama" to me from across the room. I looked at his impish grin, his angelic blue-eyed, chubby-cheeked face, and all my doubts fled.

I turned back to my co-worker, who I like very much, but who is quite ambitious and not necessarily in a good way. And I said, "No, this is the perfect arrangement for our family. I am lucky to have this opportunity and I certainly wouldn't turn it down before even giving it a try."

That little devil on my shoulder who makes me question myself and this decision can just go right to hell.